I don’t like saying I told you so, but only because people look at you funny after you say it. However, since I can’t see any of you right now:
I told you so.
5 years ago a movie came out which caused everyone everywhere to lose their minds in so complete and total a fashion that propagandists everywhere immediately began studying it as if it were the collaboration of Castro & Goebbels. This movie was Napoleon Dynamite.
First off, I should tell you that it pains me to even type the name of that film. The movie was so terrible, that upon watching it I promptly passed out. I didn’t fall asleep, I passed out. I remember because it was 11 in the morning, I was finally sitting down to see what people were calling the ‘great comedy of our time’. I remember him getting on the bus, I remember him putting the little action figure out the window, and then…blackness. My subconscious was so terrified that it slipped me into a protective coma to prevent me from the vile tripe that this film was.
After I awoke, at 2 pm, I realized what had happened. I of course discussed this with my friends, berating them for wasting my time with the movie. Those of you with similar experiences know what happened next;
“You have to watch it again! It doesn’t get good until you’ve seen it more than once.”
Watch it again? Are you serious? If I passed out the first time, who knows what might happen the second time? An aneurism, that’s what.
Now you might be wondering why I’m bringing this up now, 5 years later. As an avid film fan, I visit Rotten Tomatoes each day for news, reviews, gossip, etc. On their site right now is the review for a new movie from Jared Hess, the writer/director of Napoleon Dynamite, named Gentlemen Broncos. The movie is currently clocking in at an astonishing 14%. His other film, Nacho Libre set the box office aflame back in 2006 with a 38%. Which reminds me, if any of you see Jack Black please tell him "That's enough". He's a fantastic in nearly every supporting role he takes, however as a lead actor I think we've all had more than our fair share.
The star of Napoleon Dynamite, Jon Heder, has not fared much better. Over the same period, excluding ensemble-animated films, his performances have been reliably panned. The lowest point being the film Moma's Boy which featured Heder as a young man who can’t seem to start his life and refuses to leave home. If only he’d done that in real life, at least he would have an excuse for being such a massive failure.
Now, back to the reason I started writing this article, the ‘I told you so’. Back in 2004 I told my friends that both the director and the stars would fail, and that neither of them would ever amount to anything. It makes me very happy to see that I was right. Not because I want to see people fail, it’s because I want to see good movies. These thoroughly useless individuals are doing nothing but consuming limited funding, money, and time. I wish them all the success in the world…working at the Preston Blockbuster video.
I’m not sure how certain movies are getting greenlit, but it has to stop. Too many films are disenfranchised attractive white people trying to convince me how difficult life in the suburbs is, disgusting horror movies, or big budget debacles(like the latest Transformers). This summer, traditionally a time for blockbusters which may not necessarily enlighten but generally entertain, was the worst I can remember. This is not just me, do your research, profits and reviews are holding hands as they plunge into the abyss. But hope springs eternal, at least these 2 raging no-talents are circling the drain. Next to go down…Michael Cera. Mark my words.
