Football Commercials

I love watching football, but not exclusively for the game. Everyone talks about the Super Bowl commercials, and they are pretty cool, but too many people sleep on the regular season. Some of my favorites are the truck commercials. If you take the truck commercials at face value the advertising company’s truck will make you stronger, faster, better. It will allow you to tow a fully loaded supertaker across the country on a single tank of gas. Your hair will grow faster, thicker, darker. If you buy from the other guys, well you’ll get AIDS and a thousand kittens will be slaughtered in every kindergarten classroom around the world. Oh, and you won’t be able to tow as much.

Another example? How about the Cialis commercials. I don’t know who came up with these, but they should be writing for Saturday Night Live(they need the help). In each of these commercials there is a lot of smiling and prancing about by an older (but surreptitiously not too old) couple. They appear to be very happy, presumably because the ‘drought’ is about the end. However at the end of each of these commercials the couple is sitting in cast iron bathtubs in preposterous locales. Bathtubs, plural. Maybe this is some newer flirting technique, whose directions are distributed only through the pages of AARP Magazine, but I would think the purpose of their product would be to bring people together, literally. Are they suggesting that their product is so potent that following ingestion the man will be able to reach his woman from an opposing bathtub? If so…then mission accomplished. And how did those bathtubs get all the way out to that meadow/cliff/beach? Maybe someone bought a new truck, of course if they had bought the right truck they wouldn’t need the pills, or so they say.

I hate saying it...not really

I don’t like saying I told you so, but only because people look at you funny after you say it. However, since I can’t see any of you right now:

I told you so.

5 years ago a movie came out which caused everyone everywhere to lose their minds in so complete and total a fashion that propagandists everywhere immediately began studying it as if it were the collaboration of Castro & Goebbels. This movie was Napoleon Dynamite.

First off, I should tell you that it pains me to even type the name of that film. The movie was so terrible, that upon watching it I promptly passed out. I didn’t fall asleep, I passed out. I remember because it was 11 in the morning, I was finally sitting down to see what people were calling the ‘great comedy of our time’. I remember him getting on the bus, I remember him putting the little action figure out the window, and then…blackness. My subconscious was so terrified that it slipped me into a protective coma to prevent me from the vile tripe that this film was.

After I awoke, at 2 pm, I realized what had happened. I of course discussed this with my friends, berating them for wasting my time with the movie. Those of you with similar experiences know what happened next;

“You have to watch it again! It doesn’t get good until you’ve seen it more than once.”

Watch it again? Are you serious? If I passed out the first time, who knows what might happen the second time? An aneurism, that’s what.

Now you might be wondering why I’m bringing this up now, 5 years later. As an avid film fan, I visit Rotten Tomatoes each day for news, reviews, gossip, etc. On their site right now is the review for a new movie from Jared Hess, the writer/director of Napoleon Dynamite, named Gentlemen Broncos. The movie is currently clocking in at an astonishing 14%. His other film, Nacho Libre set the box office aflame back in 2006 with a 38%. Which reminds me, if any of you see Jack Black please tell him "That's enough". He's a fantastic in nearly every supporting role he takes, however as a lead actor I think we've all had more than our fair share.

The star of Napoleon Dynamite, Jon Heder, has not fared much better. Over the same period, excluding ensemble-animated films, his performances have been reliably panned. The lowest point being the film Moma's Boy which featured Heder as a young man who can’t seem to start his life and refuses to leave home. If only he’d done that in real life, at least he would have an excuse for being such a massive failure.

Now, back to the reason I started writing this article, the ‘I told you so’. Back in 2004 I told my friends that both the director and the stars would fail, and that neither of them would ever amount to anything. It makes me very happy to see that I was right. Not because I want to see people fail, it’s because I want to see good movies. These thoroughly useless individuals are doing nothing but consuming limited funding, money, and time. I wish them all the success in the world…working at the Preston Blockbuster video.

I’m not sure how certain movies are getting greenlit, but it has to stop. Too many films are disenfranchised attractive white people trying to convince me how difficult life in the suburbs is, disgusting horror movies, or big budget debacles(like the latest Transformers). This summer, traditionally a time for blockbusters which may not necessarily enlighten but generally entertain, was the worst I can remember. This is not just me, do your research, profits and reviews are holding hands as they plunge into the abyss. But hope springs eternal, at least these 2 raging no-talents are circling the drain. Next to go down…Michael Cera. Mark my words.

Local Radio

It's been a while.

I've been very busy the last few months, and as such have not had time to vent my narcissism. Things have calmed down now, and I'm back. I'll pause for applause now...

[Pause]

That joke is much more effective if we're both in the same room.

Today's topic is radio. I don't know what your individual taste's in radio are, most people would say they like music but I don't think that's what radio really is about anymore. I've started to listen to the radio more lately because my new wife doesn't like talk radio. This is quite understandable since English is not her first language, and pop culture, sports, politics have very specialized verbiage. However, her taste in music is quite foreign i.e. Borat's favorite Corkey Buchek. While that example may be a bit extreme (here's the hyperbole I promised Charles) it's not too far off. Anyway, I obviously can't listen to 'Bing Bong Bing Bong Bing' all the time. So we compromise...with the radio.

I live in Jacksonville, Fl, which is a pleasant enough town but is #46 of the top 50 radio markets. Our radio is awful. To put this in perspective the only markets smaller than ours are

47. West Palm Beach, where the elderly are upset that Lawrence Welk doesn't get enough air time.
48. Oklahoma City, where they don't know there is radio beyond the country station.
49. Memphis, where no one listens to the radio because they're too busy being shot.
50. Hartford-New Britain-Middletown, where I don't have a snide comment about.

In Jacksonville we have Top 40, Top 40, Top 40 and you guessed it...Top 40. There are 5 stations that at any given moment 3 of which (60% for you math majors) will be playing the same exact song, sometimes within seconds of being in sync. I'm not sure if this is a plan by the government or aliens or the Nazi's but it's slowly driving people insane.

Now I want to be clear here, I'm not commenting on the state of popular music in the country. If there's enough clamoring I'll do that later, but now is not the time. If you like the hollow tripe of Britney Spears, Sean Kingston, Drake, etc. that's fine. If you don't know who any of those people are, good for you, and you are the type of person I write this blog for. Welcome. Take off your jacket and stay a while.

Things are not much better in the AM band. In Jacksonville the talk radio is comprised of all sports or all politics. The sports would be fine if they talked about sports, and not just the Jaguars. Unfortunately the local populace is so enamored with the team, and the on air talent so bereft of talent, that no national topics are ever discussed. I understand the need to reach out to the locals, to keep them interested, but for heaven's sake if I didn't know better I would think Jacksonville was a Banana Republic with Wayne Weaver as the Generalisimo.

This of course leads to the other offering of the AM band: politics (for those of you scoring at home, that was a segue). Maybe it's because we're in the south, maybe it's because it's so hot, or maybe it's the Nazi's again but the people on the radio are slightly to the right of the Kaiser. I know that's a lot of WWII era German references, but keep in mind I wanted to be a lawyer or a writer when I was a kid. Back to the topic at hand. I don't know who fuels Limbaugh, Hannity, and Savage's fear of everyone not white and male, but please take the microphone away from them. If someone doesn't agree with you, that doesn't make them wrong, and it doesn't make them evil. Sometimes an opinion is just an opinion, unless of course they're mine in which case you should take heed accordingly.

In conclusion, I have difficulties with the radio, on both sides of the band. This is unlikely to change, as teenage girls and old people are apparently a very valuable market segment and obviously outweigh the purchasing power of white males in their mid twenties. I guess I just have to whistle to myself. Bing Bong, Bing Bong, Bing...

Air Travel

Much has been written about air travel, so for me to throw my hat into the ring would seem to be a bit unnecessary, and you probably don’t want to read it. Tough. No one forced you to come here, and my hat’s already in the air.

I remember, as a child, seeing the old movies and advertisements for air travel. The seats were HUGE. Kings and Queens were jealous of the space afforded passengers. In addition to this, the stewardesses were all kind, helpful, and pleasant. They also all happened to look like Jane Mansfield. It was luxurious, classy, and above all enjoyable. The food was plentiful, varied, and presented on a platter. I could go on, but the easiest way to sum it up is this: if God promised the Jews airfare: ‘a flight flowing with milk and honey’, in the 1960’s he made good on his promise.
Things were certainly looking up when I was a kid. The Concorde flew daily between NY and Europe at super sonic speeds. Even though it was spartan, it was progress. And then everything stopped, and went backwards.

Anyone who has flown anywhere except in Warren Buffet’s lap knows how things have changed. If you get a beverage you’re lucky, and even then you’ll probably pay for it. The flight attendants, who look more like Kathy Bates, couldn’t hate you anymore. Half the time I expect a request for a pillow to be met with the wood block and sledgehammer. The food makes a Stouffers meal look like a 10 course feast. And could someone please explain to me when it became universally accepted that peanuts were a great snack? It’s not that I don’t enjoy them, but they of course are salty (not unlike myself), and that makes me thirsty…which brings me back to trying to get some service from the lady from 'Misery'.

Some things have improved. For example, I’m pretty sure they didn’t have movies on the flights in the 60’s. We now have movies on any flight over 4 hours, which is…nice. What I want to know is how they pick these movies? I mean is there a panel of women and eunuch’s choosing from the complete catalog of ‘chick flicks’ and family favorites? Every flight I’m on has some dreadful romantic comedy or taxing animated tripe. I know it’s too much to hope that they would show something like ‘Predator’, but could we at least get a drama, something where women and children aren’t the focus and men are a distant afterthought?

Now I know what you’re saying: ‘You brilliant and engaging curmudgeon, why don’t you just not watch the movie?’ Are you serious? How much do you think there is to do on these flights? It’s not like there’s a lot of room in these seats, as every knows this isn’t the 60’s. I guess I could talk to the person sitting next to me, but people on airplanes fall into 2 categories: the experienced and the terrified. The experienced traveler is exactly whom they sound like, and not an interesting topic for conversation. The terrified traveler, now they’re interesting.

The terrified traveler is convinced Osama Bin Laden is every plane, especially the plane they’re on. I like these people because they’re afraid of my iPod. Not in the traditional sense mind you, many of them have iPods of their own. But on takeoffs and landings, my iPod becomes the fingernail of Satan himself, just waiting to scratch them out of existence. You see, I don’t turn my iPod off during takeoff and landing, it’s nonsense, and the flight attendants are lying to us when they say it interferes with the equipment. You know how I know its nonsense? Here how. Before every flight I have to take off my shoes, my belt, my jacket. I can’t carry liquids in excess of a teaspoon, aerosols of any kind, and according to the TSA, a pair of tweezers is just as dangerous as the sword of Conan the Barbarian. But they let me keep my iPod. If all it takes to crash an airplane were I listening to my podcasts of Big O and Dukes (http://www.wjfk.com/pages/703221.php), Al Qaeda would give up on procuring a nuclear weapon, and just buy those little Apple gift certificates. I’m sure Steve Jobs would even give them a quantity discount.

The terrified traveler can’t figure this out though. Again, they’re convinced that every dark skinned bearded man is a secret agent for the Taliban. With their cognitive functions severely limited by this terror and the latest soul destroying Renee Zellweger movie, they can’t reason out that my iPod is not, in fact, the cuticle of Beelzebub, but merely my own distraction. During landing I enjoy leaving my iPod clearly visible and obviously playing, to despair the terrified traveler. I once had a woman tell me what I was doing was wrong, I calmly reasoned with her using the logic above. Unfortunately at the same time a gentleman who looked a lot like F. Murray Abraham shifted in his chair, and all bets were off.

In conclusion, I’m not a big fan of air travel. The seats are small, the food is bland, the airport experience leaves much to be desired, and the entertainment is sub par. I would think that by now we would have teleportation figured out. I mean, I was terrified by Jeff Goldblum in ‘The Fly’ just like everyone else, but if ‘Jaws’ hasn’t stopped us from swimming, can’t we get this technology off the ground? I'm sure the oil lobby is involved somehow, but that's a topic for another blog.