Life with a foreigner

A few years ago I was introduced to a charming and beautiful young woman from Albania. Over a 2-year span, I slowly tricked her into marrying me, and leaving everything she knows. This week marks our 2-year wedding anniversary, and I thought I would compile some thoughts, observations, and funny stories from the first 2 years of our marriage.

For those of you who don’t know, Albania is on the Adriatic Sea, just north of Greece. I like to joke with my wife that if the Jews were looking for a land flowing with milk and honey, that whoever settled Albania was searching for a land flowing with sticks and donkeys. The truth of the matter is, it’s actually a very nice place, with lovely people. The life there is very different, and my wife is the bravest person I’ve ever met for being willing to leave everything she knows and loves to come live in a new country with a brash, overbearing, semi-narcissistic loudmouth like me.

One of the big differences between Albania and the US is the food. In Albania, and much of Europe for that matter, food is not purchased from a single location. Rather, you buy certain items at specialty stores (e.g. bakeries, butcher shops, etc.), and general goods from small markets. In America obviously, we do must of our shopping at large super markets, where enough food is available to feed an entire city several times over. It’s easy to forget this; as for me it’s what I’ve always known. The first time my wife stepped into a grocery store, she just stared in awe. Never in her life had she seen to much food in one place. This would have been quite sweet, if not for the fact that we were there to bake a cake.

In Albania, a family friend had introduced us to a cake named ‘Tres Leche’, meaning the 3 milks. It’s a light cake, soaked in a mixture of milk, cream, and caramel. While my wife had the recipe, the ingredients didn’t exactly transfer. Thus, a 15-minute trip required nearly an hour of scouring the isles, looking for items she thought were the ones she wanted. After nearly 50 minutes, the frustration of an ordinarily simple task requiring so much effort, was really taxing my wife’s patience.

Before we go any further, I should mention how patient my wife is. She’s so patient, that even though she lives with me, and has to listen to me ramble on a daily basis, she only gets upset about once a week to 10 days. She calmly listens to me go on, and on, and on about things I’m very interested in. Things she either has no interest in, or doesn’t understand. For example, as a software engineer it’s not uncommon for me to design a solution, and being so talkative, I want to share it with someone. My wife, being so close, can’t get away. I drag her into my office, and draw these extensive diagrams explaining whatever I just built, and why it’s so cool. She never gets upset, or says she’s bored. She simply smiles and tells me how cute I am, and then goes back to whatever she’s doing.

So, back to the story of the Tres Leche. We’ve found all the ingredients, except the caramel. Now according to my wife, we need something called ‘crème caramel’. I tell her we have it, but it’s called something different. I show her the display of ice cream toppings and explain the jar of whatever she’s looking for is undoubtedly there. My wife, was at that point, pretty irritated. You see, we’ve had this conversation before:

Loci: I need [cake ingredient].

Me : This is it.

Loci: No, it’s different.

Me: It’s the same.

Loci: It’s different, I’m telling you!

Me: Listen foreigner, the name is different, but the item is the same.

This went on and on for nearly every item on the list. So, by the time we got to the caramel, which is apparently the most important ingredient, she was a bit…frazzled. Thus when the above conversation started again, she had had enough. Grabbing one of the containers, she opened it right in the middle of the store, stuck her finger into the caramel, and tasted it. Then, slamming the top back on, she yelled:

“See! I told you it’s different!”

She tried to throw it back onto the stand. Mortified, I yelled:

“You can’t do that! We’re trying to have a civilization here!”

While we eventually found the toping she wanted, I calmly explained, we couldn’t leave the open caramel there, and had to purchase it. My wife again tried to put the opened item back on a shelf, saying that in such a large store, ‘Who would notice?’ I thus was forced to carry the undesired caramel for the remainder of our time in the store. We still have that caramel somewhere at my parent’s house.

The ingredients purchased, we returned to my parent’s home to bake the special desert. It was during this time, that I realized my wife and numbers will forever be at odds. Not dissimilar to the Catholics and the Protestants in Ireland, the fight will wage for decades, with no one sure how the bitterness started, only sure their side hates the other.

The way I discovered this antipathy for numerals, was during the measuring process. As I mentioned, the recipe was from a family friend in Albania, which, like much of the world, uses the metric system. However, being in America our measurements are in a system only we use. My wife likes to point this out to me all the time, at which point I remind her we put a man on the moon, and we’ll use whatever system of measure we please.

While measuring out the necessary portions, I calmly explained we could calculate the needed cups/teaspoons/tablespoons/etc. from the indicated milliliters and centiliters. While this was a good plan, anyone who’s done this kind of conversion knows garbage in = garbage out. Something was lost in translation, and the amounts got all confused. The cake as a result suffered. By suffered, I mean, came out like a brick. I’m not kidding, we could have sold this recipe to developing lands, and they could use it to build their infrastructure. Maybe that’s how the cake was discovered in Albania to start with.

Not wanting to upset my bride to be, who had literally been on American soil for less than a week, my entire family attempted to eat the cake. In retrospect, a glass of milk would have gone a long way, but sadly the entire stock of diary in the home had been used to A) bake the cake, and then B) soften the resulting brick. As mentioned, the latter operation failed miserably because the cake was waterproof at this point. Consequently, we had no milk to wash down the resulting caramel flavored gravel. We all smiled at each other as we chewed, wondering how much of the dish decorum required, and how soon we could call a dentist.

My father still tells this story, to anyone who will listen. My wife on the other hand remains mortified, but laughs each time, because she’s the best. However, she’s still trying to get this recipe right. No success yet, but we’ve got a lovely little retaining wall in our backyard.

Why Radio is Dead

A short while ago I shared my view of the local radio here in Jacksonville, Fl. At the time I lamented the programming on both the FM and AM band. As a quick review the FM band is so tightly programmed that a ‘Now That’s What I Call Music’ CD is all anyone is allowed to play, and the AM band is so clogged with homers and hate mongers you’ll go cross-eyed if you listen for too long(true story, try it). I also mentioned that because of my wife I’m now listening to more and more of the radio, and I’ve noticed something: it’s a dead medium.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not going away, but the days of it making a difference, of people caring what’s on, are over. Bye bye. Sayonara. Adios. Etc. Etc. Why do I say this? I’m glad you asked.

Over Programming

I mentioned this in my last blog about radio. Top 40 is too cliché, constantly repeating the same songs week after week, which are themselves derivative of the same songs from the year before. Originality has been all but illegalized in favor of a ‘guaranteed’ hit as dictated by some formula David Geffen discovered and used to become Midas. Even if you like a song, aren’t you ready to drive off a cliff the seventh time you hear it in a 2-hour span? Other formats are not much better. Glam/Pop/Neo-Punk rock bleeds into Top 40, making it very difficult for the Alternative Rock stations, and many times I’ll notice them claiming to play “new” music, while simply relying on 90’s standouts Nirvana, Bush, Soundgarden, et all. These should be the new “Classic” rock, but the ‘Classic’ stations are playing the same songs over and over again as well, because, by definition, they’re in the business of old songs. Songs, which keep getting older as the gap between the heyday’s of the 60’s and 70’s and bubble gum factory music, widens. Light jazz may be playing new music, but it all sounds the same to me; which is to say a nap in an elevator stuck between floors. Spanish stations? I’m not sure what they’re playing, but they’re all VERY excited about it. Terrifyingly so. Sometimes I land on their frequency and I get a little worried the Mexican-American war is starting up again and they’re the mouthpieces of the revolution. No joke.

On Air “Talent”

I add the quotes because the notion that some of these individuals are talented is dubious, at best. The polarization is so intense over targeted demographics that there is literally no middle ground. It’s either insultingly stereotypical male driven talk, which always centers on sports, bathroom humor, and/or strippers(why this is so popular in a medium devoid of imagery boggles the mind), or vapid and useless celebrity obsessed gossip presumably aimed at women. Despite the fact that men between 18 and 50 supposedly have the most buying power, these shows are almost always aimed at the lower end of that demo, often times below it.

There are notable exceptions; Tony Kornheiser’s radio show out of Washington, D.C. is a near perfect amalgam of current affairs, politics, and sports sprinkled liberally with self deprecating humor and an air of self awareness while not being overly narcissistic. Radio shows like his however, are not as common as they used to be, and by that I don’t mean 10-20 years ago. A little over a year and a half ago WJFK out of Virginia flipped formats to all sports, displacing a lineup that while male-centric, was not exclusionary to women, or people of different age groups.

Commercials

The nasty fact about radio is that the radio stations that are doing really good, aren’t playing much of what you really want to hear. Like all businesses, they’re out to make money. If a show or timeslot is highly rated, i.e. high in listeners, it’s highly sought after for advertisers. Listen closely, and notice that the highest rated shows feature more commercials than content. Ever wonder why? It’s because the advertising revenue garnered during these programs can pay for all other programming. This is why talk shows at late hours are always more content heavy; no one’s listening, so no one’s paying. The next time a new radio station attacks another with the same format for playing twice the commercials, remember: it’s not that the new guy wouldn’t play those same advertisements; it’s just no one’s made the offer yet.

Location, Location, Location

The only place people listen to the radio is in their cars. While there may be an isolated individual here and there who listens at home or at work, the majority of people listen in their cars on the way to work, while out to lunch, and on their way home. Again, this means that the window of available listenership is narrow at best. Why aren’t people listening elsewhere, and how long will this bastion of radio dominion persist?

Programmable Technology

While all the above reasons are frustrating, they aren’t anything new. This started in earnest long ago, and will likely continue into the future. The real reason that radio is dead is this: on demand content and players. With the advent of the Internet, music and other content has become more and more accessible to people anywhere at any time. No longer are people forced to turn to the local DJ for what’s new and hot in music. No longer do people need to wait for the local news/sports station to get updates. People are getting their content when they want it, often times meaning RIGHT NOW. In addition to this, iPods and other such devices are so prevalent, that nearly ever person can program their music before they start their day. They can download podcasts of their favorite news/sports/entertainment show and listen to them at their leisure. Rather than suffer through the inanity of commercials, people can simply download the program without the advertisements, listen to the parts they want, and leave the rest. I mentioned 2 shows/stations out of the D.C. area, I live in Jacksonville, FL…did you think I had a really big antenna?

Radio personalities know this. Adam Corolla, one of the most sought after talkers in the business, has left the traditional radio route, and now records a podcast from his home, publishes it to iTunes, and any profits are his alone. Mike O’Meara, formerly of WJFK, now records a podcast out of his home, distributes it on the Internet using Facebook and Twitter to promote. There are others, many others, who know the best way to reach their audience is to eliminate the middleman.

Car audio is also providing other options. I just bought a new Pioneer AVIC-Z120BT headunit. In addition to the AM/FM radio sources, Satellite Radio (the very definition of too little, too late) it features a direct connection to my iPhone allowing me to access all my songs and podcasts at the touch of a button. It also features another nail in the radio coffin: Pandora radio. For those of you who don’t know, Pandora is a free online service where you specify an artist/song/genre you like, and a customized “station” is created for you. It streams over your cell phone, letting you enjoy content of your choosing while still exposing you to songs, both old and new, you may not have known about but may enjoy. Why would I ever listen to local radio again for music?

In conclusion, the march of technology has made another important technological innovation irrelevant. Like newspapers, record shops, and soon libraries and bookstores, radio has ceased to be an important part of our culture. It’s odd and more than a bit sad. I remember in middle school sitting in my room, waiting for my favorite songs to come on so I could rush over to my stereo to record and make my own mix tapes. While my iPod is so much better, there was something satisfying and exciting about that time that the instant gratification of on demand just can’t match. I didn’t leave radio though, it left me, and sadly it’s not coming back.

Why Shaun White isn't quite so great

Following Shaun White’s overwhelming victory in Vancouver at the 2010 Olympics, many of my friends want to know my thoughts. You see, I’m a pretty avid snowboarder; I lived in Salt Lake City for 2 years, I keep up with everything snowboarding, I read the magazines, track the riders, watch the videos, drool over all the new gear, etc. So naturally I have a clear and definite opinion about Shaun White: He’s wasting his talent.

Most people are shocked to learn this, as he’s the dominant figure in snowboard competition, the literal favorite in every contest he enters. This is because most people don’t understand snowboarding, not for what it really isIn other sports the measure of the athlete is based on how much they have won or accomplished in direct relation to winning.

Take the big 3 American sports: Football, Basketball, and Baseball. In Football there are stats related to yards gained, touchdowns scored, completion percentage, receptions, sacks, tackles, etc. In Basketball it’s the same: points, blocks, assists, 3 pointers, foul shot percentage, etc. Baseball is the mother of all stat based sports, where there seems to be a stat for everything, including the number of times a guy scratches while waiting to hit. Players are measured by these stats, and their value is decreed based on them. In every one of these sports, the ultimate goal is to win the league championship, without that you can’t ever be truly considered great.

Snowboarding is not like this. It’s not about the competition, which rider won the most contests or the biggest purses. In this way, snowboarding is different than other sports, and why many core riders don’t believe it is a sport. While there are competitions, no one tracks the total number of spins, or flips, or rails grinded a rider performs over the course of a lifetime. We don’t measure the greatness of our riders along this standard. While it is far less exact, we measure it by style. The indescribable, indefinable, and ethereal attribute that separates the truly great riders from those who are simple better than you or me. We track this style not through the competitions that are occasionally shown on television, but through snowboard videos.

For the last 20 plus years the progression of snowboarding has been chronicled by Mike ‘Mack Dawg’ McEntire, the Hatchett brothers, Patrick Armbruster, and many others. The videos they shot are seminal to snowboarding. Without videos most of us who ride would never have known about snowboarding, never seen the unbelievable fun that could be had, never thought about rearranging significant portions of our lives so we could be part of it. Videos have chronicled the careers of great riders like Terje Haakonsen, Bryan Iguchi, Damien Sanders, Johan Olafson, Craig Kelly, Kevin Jones, Peter Line, Jeremy Jones, JP Walker, Gigi Ruf, Nico Muller, the list goes on and on. Ask any snowboarder, any real snowboarder, and they can tell you something about any of these men, likely that their video parts have made significant impact on their lives.

Competition has always been part of snowboarding, but only a small part of it. Terje Haakonson, Craig Kelly, Shaun Palmer, and many others have competed in various ways. The difference between them and White is how they’re remembered. Haakonson is remembered for his progression, being so far ahead of everyone else there was no comparison. Craig Kelly is remembered for his abandonment of the competition circuit despite his dominance, and heading into the woods. Shaun Palmer is remembered for his insanity, and refusal to accept anyone’s rules but his own. Each of these men are remembered, but not because of they were world half pipe champions(which they all were, multiple times).

Much has been written about the incredible progression Shaun White has ushered in with the inclusion of the double cork tricks. There is no denying the incredible achievement of this trick, and while some credits him with its creation, this is wrong. JP Walker, one of the most influential snowboarders of all time, was the first to do a double cork, and he did it in the backcountry, far away from the controlled setting of a private half pipe with a foam pit and an entourage of sponsors. The next person to do the double cork, and the person who really brought it to the consciousness of the snowboard world was Travis Rice, when he did it over a life-or-death Chad Gap. How do I know this? Was there television coverage? No, but I have the videos.

Videos let me watch these incredible feats again and again, feeling the excitement each time, urging me to get on my own board. This is where progression really takes place, with riders pushing the limits of what terrain can be ridden, and what’s possible on that terrain. Videos document this.

White should know this, after all he professes that he hasn’t sold out, that he hasn’t let the money and the fame affect him. White had the opportunity to credit his forbearers in an interview with NBC. When asked a direct question about the trick “he invented”, he failed to acknowledge these others. He didn’t talk about how Travis Rice has been using the double cork to win competitions for the last 3 years. He didn’t mention that Louie Vitto, a fellow Team USA competitor, was the first to land a double cork in a half pipe competition. He didn’t mention any other snowboarders.

It needs to be said that White’s talent is not disputable. From an early age he’s been pushing himself, pushing the possibilities, dedicating himself to his craft. He was the first to bring the double cork to the half pipe, and this is a tremendous accomplishment. The amount of time in the air, even on modern 22 foot super-pipes, is so short, that to flip twice and spin three or more times is incredible. To be able to do this consistently is another measure of his extraordinary talent. To be the first one to look at a trick, done with so much air time, and dedicate yourself to bringing it to the half pipe is nothing short of incredible. As a competitive snowboarder, he is without peer. However, this is also a reason that he should go into videos.

White’s accomplishments this year are nothing in comparison to what he did 4 years ago. In the winter of 2005-2006, heading into the Torino games, White was undefeated. Not just in half-pipe competition, but in slope style and rail jams, 2 competition varieties distinctly different from the half pipe. Just as there are riders who specialize in half pipe riding, there are those who specialize in these other forms, and they’re really good. White beat them all, quite handily. No one had ever seen anything like it, and it’s not likely anyone ever will. To put this in perspective, there are athletes who compete in multiple sports. Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders are probably the best examples. Imagine that these competed not just in Football and Baseball, but in Basketball as well. Then imagine that they won every game they played in each sport for a single season. It’s that remarkable.

White has nothing left to prove, and nothing left to accomplish. Competing at this point is only about the money, and that’s not true to the soul of snowboarding, and it’s selling out. With his astonishing level of talent, he could produce video parts that we would watch forever. He could reclaim himself from the corporate leeches who have nothing to do with snowboarding, and are only using it’s popularity to make a buck. It’s unlikely this will ever happen, the allure of money and fame is just too much, but he owes it to snowboarding, and he owes it to himself.

Football Commercials

I love watching football, but not exclusively for the game. Everyone talks about the Super Bowl commercials, and they are pretty cool, but too many people sleep on the regular season. Some of my favorites are the truck commercials. If you take the truck commercials at face value the advertising company’s truck will make you stronger, faster, better. It will allow you to tow a fully loaded supertaker across the country on a single tank of gas. Your hair will grow faster, thicker, darker. If you buy from the other guys, well you’ll get AIDS and a thousand kittens will be slaughtered in every kindergarten classroom around the world. Oh, and you won’t be able to tow as much.

Another example? How about the Cialis commercials. I don’t know who came up with these, but they should be writing for Saturday Night Live(they need the help). In each of these commercials there is a lot of smiling and prancing about by an older (but surreptitiously not too old) couple. They appear to be very happy, presumably because the ‘drought’ is about the end. However at the end of each of these commercials the couple is sitting in cast iron bathtubs in preposterous locales. Bathtubs, plural. Maybe this is some newer flirting technique, whose directions are distributed only through the pages of AARP Magazine, but I would think the purpose of their product would be to bring people together, literally. Are they suggesting that their product is so potent that following ingestion the man will be able to reach his woman from an opposing bathtub? If so…then mission accomplished. And how did those bathtubs get all the way out to that meadow/cliff/beach? Maybe someone bought a new truck, of course if they had bought the right truck they wouldn’t need the pills, or so they say.

I hate saying it...not really

I don’t like saying I told you so, but only because people look at you funny after you say it. However, since I can’t see any of you right now:

I told you so.

5 years ago a movie came out which caused everyone everywhere to lose their minds in so complete and total a fashion that propagandists everywhere immediately began studying it as if it were the collaboration of Castro & Goebbels. This movie was Napoleon Dynamite.

First off, I should tell you that it pains me to even type the name of that film. The movie was so terrible, that upon watching it I promptly passed out. I didn’t fall asleep, I passed out. I remember because it was 11 in the morning, I was finally sitting down to see what people were calling the ‘great comedy of our time’. I remember him getting on the bus, I remember him putting the little action figure out the window, and then…blackness. My subconscious was so terrified that it slipped me into a protective coma to prevent me from the vile tripe that this film was.

After I awoke, at 2 pm, I realized what had happened. I of course discussed this with my friends, berating them for wasting my time with the movie. Those of you with similar experiences know what happened next;

“You have to watch it again! It doesn’t get good until you’ve seen it more than once.”

Watch it again? Are you serious? If I passed out the first time, who knows what might happen the second time? An aneurism, that’s what.

Now you might be wondering why I’m bringing this up now, 5 years later. As an avid film fan, I visit Rotten Tomatoes each day for news, reviews, gossip, etc. On their site right now is the review for a new movie from Jared Hess, the writer/director of Napoleon Dynamite, named Gentlemen Broncos. The movie is currently clocking in at an astonishing 14%. His other film, Nacho Libre set the box office aflame back in 2006 with a 38%. Which reminds me, if any of you see Jack Black please tell him "That's enough". He's a fantastic in nearly every supporting role he takes, however as a lead actor I think we've all had more than our fair share.

The star of Napoleon Dynamite, Jon Heder, has not fared much better. Over the same period, excluding ensemble-animated films, his performances have been reliably panned. The lowest point being the film Moma's Boy which featured Heder as a young man who can’t seem to start his life and refuses to leave home. If only he’d done that in real life, at least he would have an excuse for being such a massive failure.

Now, back to the reason I started writing this article, the ‘I told you so’. Back in 2004 I told my friends that both the director and the stars would fail, and that neither of them would ever amount to anything. It makes me very happy to see that I was right. Not because I want to see people fail, it’s because I want to see good movies. These thoroughly useless individuals are doing nothing but consuming limited funding, money, and time. I wish them all the success in the world…working at the Preston Blockbuster video.

I’m not sure how certain movies are getting greenlit, but it has to stop. Too many films are disenfranchised attractive white people trying to convince me how difficult life in the suburbs is, disgusting horror movies, or big budget debacles(like the latest Transformers). This summer, traditionally a time for blockbusters which may not necessarily enlighten but generally entertain, was the worst I can remember. This is not just me, do your research, profits and reviews are holding hands as they plunge into the abyss. But hope springs eternal, at least these 2 raging no-talents are circling the drain. Next to go down…Michael Cera. Mark my words.

Local Radio

It's been a while.

I've been very busy the last few months, and as such have not had time to vent my narcissism. Things have calmed down now, and I'm back. I'll pause for applause now...

[Pause]

That joke is much more effective if we're both in the same room.

Today's topic is radio. I don't know what your individual taste's in radio are, most people would say they like music but I don't think that's what radio really is about anymore. I've started to listen to the radio more lately because my new wife doesn't like talk radio. This is quite understandable since English is not her first language, and pop culture, sports, politics have very specialized verbiage. However, her taste in music is quite foreign i.e. Borat's favorite Corkey Buchek. While that example may be a bit extreme (here's the hyperbole I promised Charles) it's not too far off. Anyway, I obviously can't listen to 'Bing Bong Bing Bong Bing' all the time. So we compromise...with the radio.

I live in Jacksonville, Fl, which is a pleasant enough town but is #46 of the top 50 radio markets. Our radio is awful. To put this in perspective the only markets smaller than ours are

47. West Palm Beach, where the elderly are upset that Lawrence Welk doesn't get enough air time.
48. Oklahoma City, where they don't know there is radio beyond the country station.
49. Memphis, where no one listens to the radio because they're too busy being shot.
50. Hartford-New Britain-Middletown, where I don't have a snide comment about.

In Jacksonville we have Top 40, Top 40, Top 40 and you guessed it...Top 40. There are 5 stations that at any given moment 3 of which (60% for you math majors) will be playing the same exact song, sometimes within seconds of being in sync. I'm not sure if this is a plan by the government or aliens or the Nazi's but it's slowly driving people insane.

Now I want to be clear here, I'm not commenting on the state of popular music in the country. If there's enough clamoring I'll do that later, but now is not the time. If you like the hollow tripe of Britney Spears, Sean Kingston, Drake, etc. that's fine. If you don't know who any of those people are, good for you, and you are the type of person I write this blog for. Welcome. Take off your jacket and stay a while.

Things are not much better in the AM band. In Jacksonville the talk radio is comprised of all sports or all politics. The sports would be fine if they talked about sports, and not just the Jaguars. Unfortunately the local populace is so enamored with the team, and the on air talent so bereft of talent, that no national topics are ever discussed. I understand the need to reach out to the locals, to keep them interested, but for heaven's sake if I didn't know better I would think Jacksonville was a Banana Republic with Wayne Weaver as the Generalisimo.

This of course leads to the other offering of the AM band: politics (for those of you scoring at home, that was a segue). Maybe it's because we're in the south, maybe it's because it's so hot, or maybe it's the Nazi's again but the people on the radio are slightly to the right of the Kaiser. I know that's a lot of WWII era German references, but keep in mind I wanted to be a lawyer or a writer when I was a kid. Back to the topic at hand. I don't know who fuels Limbaugh, Hannity, and Savage's fear of everyone not white and male, but please take the microphone away from them. If someone doesn't agree with you, that doesn't make them wrong, and it doesn't make them evil. Sometimes an opinion is just an opinion, unless of course they're mine in which case you should take heed accordingly.

In conclusion, I have difficulties with the radio, on both sides of the band. This is unlikely to change, as teenage girls and old people are apparently a very valuable market segment and obviously outweigh the purchasing power of white males in their mid twenties. I guess I just have to whistle to myself. Bing Bong, Bing Bong, Bing...

Air Travel

Much has been written about air travel, so for me to throw my hat into the ring would seem to be a bit unnecessary, and you probably don’t want to read it. Tough. No one forced you to come here, and my hat’s already in the air.

I remember, as a child, seeing the old movies and advertisements for air travel. The seats were HUGE. Kings and Queens were jealous of the space afforded passengers. In addition to this, the stewardesses were all kind, helpful, and pleasant. They also all happened to look like Jane Mansfield. It was luxurious, classy, and above all enjoyable. The food was plentiful, varied, and presented on a platter. I could go on, but the easiest way to sum it up is this: if God promised the Jews airfare: ‘a flight flowing with milk and honey’, in the 1960’s he made good on his promise.
Things were certainly looking up when I was a kid. The Concorde flew daily between NY and Europe at super sonic speeds. Even though it was spartan, it was progress. And then everything stopped, and went backwards.

Anyone who has flown anywhere except in Warren Buffet’s lap knows how things have changed. If you get a beverage you’re lucky, and even then you’ll probably pay for it. The flight attendants, who look more like Kathy Bates, couldn’t hate you anymore. Half the time I expect a request for a pillow to be met with the wood block and sledgehammer. The food makes a Stouffers meal look like a 10 course feast. And could someone please explain to me when it became universally accepted that peanuts were a great snack? It’s not that I don’t enjoy them, but they of course are salty (not unlike myself), and that makes me thirsty…which brings me back to trying to get some service from the lady from 'Misery'.

Some things have improved. For example, I’m pretty sure they didn’t have movies on the flights in the 60’s. We now have movies on any flight over 4 hours, which is…nice. What I want to know is how they pick these movies? I mean is there a panel of women and eunuch’s choosing from the complete catalog of ‘chick flicks’ and family favorites? Every flight I’m on has some dreadful romantic comedy or taxing animated tripe. I know it’s too much to hope that they would show something like ‘Predator’, but could we at least get a drama, something where women and children aren’t the focus and men are a distant afterthought?

Now I know what you’re saying: ‘You brilliant and engaging curmudgeon, why don’t you just not watch the movie?’ Are you serious? How much do you think there is to do on these flights? It’s not like there’s a lot of room in these seats, as every knows this isn’t the 60’s. I guess I could talk to the person sitting next to me, but people on airplanes fall into 2 categories: the experienced and the terrified. The experienced traveler is exactly whom they sound like, and not an interesting topic for conversation. The terrified traveler, now they’re interesting.

The terrified traveler is convinced Osama Bin Laden is every plane, especially the plane they’re on. I like these people because they’re afraid of my iPod. Not in the traditional sense mind you, many of them have iPods of their own. But on takeoffs and landings, my iPod becomes the fingernail of Satan himself, just waiting to scratch them out of existence. You see, I don’t turn my iPod off during takeoff and landing, it’s nonsense, and the flight attendants are lying to us when they say it interferes with the equipment. You know how I know its nonsense? Here how. Before every flight I have to take off my shoes, my belt, my jacket. I can’t carry liquids in excess of a teaspoon, aerosols of any kind, and according to the TSA, a pair of tweezers is just as dangerous as the sword of Conan the Barbarian. But they let me keep my iPod. If all it takes to crash an airplane were I listening to my podcasts of Big O and Dukes (http://www.wjfk.com/pages/703221.php), Al Qaeda would give up on procuring a nuclear weapon, and just buy those little Apple gift certificates. I’m sure Steve Jobs would even give them a quantity discount.

The terrified traveler can’t figure this out though. Again, they’re convinced that every dark skinned bearded man is a secret agent for the Taliban. With their cognitive functions severely limited by this terror and the latest soul destroying Renee Zellweger movie, they can’t reason out that my iPod is not, in fact, the cuticle of Beelzebub, but merely my own distraction. During landing I enjoy leaving my iPod clearly visible and obviously playing, to despair the terrified traveler. I once had a woman tell me what I was doing was wrong, I calmly reasoned with her using the logic above. Unfortunately at the same time a gentleman who looked a lot like F. Murray Abraham shifted in his chair, and all bets were off.

In conclusion, I’m not a big fan of air travel. The seats are small, the food is bland, the airport experience leaves much to be desired, and the entertainment is sub par. I would think that by now we would have teleportation figured out. I mean, I was terrified by Jeff Goldblum in ‘The Fly’ just like everyone else, but if ‘Jaws’ hasn’t stopped us from swimming, can’t we get this technology off the ground? I'm sure the oil lobby is involved somehow, but that's a topic for another blog.